I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
