Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
