I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
