Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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