it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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