I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
