I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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