I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
