i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
