I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
