apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
