you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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