So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
