a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
