his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
