You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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