You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
