hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
