a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
