I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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