Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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