we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
