My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
