I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
