My ATM looks so different sober.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
