I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
