ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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