I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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