I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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