sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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