3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
