Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
