i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
