I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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