I want to make a zoo with you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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