Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
