She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
