How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
