Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
