Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Found your dick twin last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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