Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
