I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Let's get the cat blown out
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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