yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
