Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
