Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
