yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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