....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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