I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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