i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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