I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Of course I have a pirate flag
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Text me some of your sweat
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
