Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
